Truths and Nontruths

This must be the busiest audit season I've ever been in. Perhaps it stems from the fact that I handle a bigger responsibility now: managing a handful of clients and trying to manage a team. The latter part, staff and time allocation and management is a challenge I face everyday. It's been a little seven months since the promotion and I still feel uneasy being called, 'Ms. Jade'. The promotion came in as a big, scary surprise. I assessed that my technical expertise still has lots of rooms for learning and improvement. Hearing my name being called onstage was a heady mix of shock, flattery, fulfillment and trepidation. In my head I was like, 'How did my performance pass  three levels of evaluation? This can't be right.' Having only one year in audit experience, I felt it was too fast for a promotion.

But here I am,  getting home as late as uhm, the morning after? I keep saying, 'gikapoy nako. di nako ani nga toxic life' to my best friend Kara. I love the fact that she's currently in UK because she's game for random calls at 2am or 3am! Thank you Skype and Viber. You save us a lot of bucks for international calls! And at 2am, talks could go from downright random or nonsensical to deeply sentimental and philosophical. 

Just recently, a friend and I took a sentimental trip down memory lane at 4am (what did I say about stuff you talk about at the crack of dawn?), I reread stuff I wrote. I'm posting them for posterity's sake and for future reference? Will I make it a regular thing? I dunno, I've become so fickle blogging. But perhaps. I have to get back to writing and reading regularly. I feel like I've become rusty and slightly illiterate. 

If this becomes a regular thing, what would compose the truths and nontruths will mostly be excerpts of a story I made up, actual convos rewritten because it made an impact to me then, notes I wrote for myself to unload and dozens of unsent letters for people I've hurt and hurt me in return, people I loved and continue to love, people who I've lost touch with but influenced me greatly,  people who are my loose ends and for people I haven't met yet. Any quotes from books, poems or people which spoke to me are included as well. 

..so much of our happiness is built on something so fragile, so impossible to guarantee. But that's what makes it special, doesn't it?

When has knowing something stopped you from feeling? When has knowing better stopped you from wanting? When has logic stopped you from longing for something we deem impossible? It's so tricky. Abba? Lead the way. Help my mind come to terms with my feelings. 

To Kara, Leia and Mitzi. I have more to thank JK Rowling than any other HP fan. She brought me to you. To the girls who choose to love me and understand me in all I do, say and what I don't say. I swear to this day, my loyalty is with you always. 

Not all hope is good. Sometimes it's evil because a tiny flame of hope is more painful than the harsh finality of cold indifference. 

You tell me I'm tough. You tell me you wish you're more like me, brave. But crying, admitting you hurt and showing you care are also forms of bravery, C. I wish I have your heart. I hide behind my pride and ego, building walls. You are far braver. One of the bravest girls I know. You offer your heart to a boy without reservations and when he closes his door on you, you simply cry, lick your wounds and move on. There is bravery in risking it, C. 

Dearest J. I am cold to you because I don't know how to say it. You are wonderful. The problem is, my clocks have stopped ticking since 2006. What you heard is true.  They were the words I wanted you to say but I found myself running for the nearest exit. All the while I thought of him, frustrated at how after three years he's still the one I don't speak of. The one beyond wanting, beyond lust, beyond logic. He is my defeat. The first ever. I'm sorry, J. 

July 2008. We sat there at Zoey's Cafe, an acoustic version of A Little Bit was playing. We made theories, challenged the truths and normalcy we were told. I enjoyed watching you talk of Him in passion. You always look so handsome to me whenever you do. You were blinding. I had to avert my gaze to catch my breath.

You know I have always been successful wearing a mask of indifference. I armor myself with light-hearted jokes. I am often seen jovial, laughing and cheery. To those I allowed to see me naked from all this, know I have depth, a sensitive heart. I keep tabs. I take notes. I hurt more than I show. You disappoint me. You know this. You know I have a tough exterior but a soft heart. How could you have asked, 'Am I making it easy for you to walk in and out of my life?'  Has it been? Did it ever occur to you how much you mean to me?

how do i imagine meeting you?

in a cozy bookstore, lost in shelves

in a coffee shop, with a world of your own

in an airport, bored out of your wits

aboard a train, silently watching the world speed by

no matter how, no matter where we meet

i will know you

I love how your name rolls out of my tongue. I say yours in a breathy, half-whisper. My thoughts often talk about you lately. Your name. Why should I reduce your name to a cheesy term of endearment. There is no other name more beautiful than the one you were called to in your first morning light. 

I keep thinking of Noah. Like him I write to you but I don't send them. You're my Allie. 
Because I keep wondering still. As long as I root for Noah and Allie. 
As long as I don't call Allie a fool for leaving her fiance to run off with Noah,
It means, I'm not over you yet. It means, I will break a good boy's heart. Again. For you. 
Because my clock is still stuck in 2006. So every year, I watch the movie. 
To check my heart's current state of address. 
To see if my world still stops for a one-syllable name. 
How long has it been? Four freaking years. F Shit!  

When you cease to be nameless and your face blurry no more, you will read this and know that secretly, hidden behind all the cynic shit I keep spewing with friends (and even with you maybe), I have yearned for you long before we met.

Stranger, by the time we meet you will find other stars glittering in my skies. They came before you, each one a good and bad memory. Each one a part of me, an essential part of who I am now, this girl you came to admire. I may talk fondly of what’s passed but don’t let it be a cause of worry. You are my Sun, stranger. You outshine them all. Please believe that. 

Tweet

Thank You, August Rush

I've been in bed the whole day, getting up only when my flatmates say it's lunch or dinner. 

I don't feel like taking a bath. I watched the sun's rays creep up to the dirty pile of laundry. I might have fried my brain with the amount of movies and series I have watched today; taking a break only to either read or write feverishly. My phone's been beeping with messages. I responded to some thoughtfully and ignored other mechanical well-wishes that sounded empty and merely obligatory. In the middle of watching movies, my mind wanders off somewhere then I write until I get the images off or when I feel a little relieved of the growing lump in my throat. 

In between, I grab a book. There are always books on my bed. Most girls have teddy bears, I have books. So I grab Shadow and was greeted with these words, '...as long as we are remembered, we remain alive. Remember me, even if it's only in a corner and secretly. Don't let me go.' 

But I really need to take a bath already then watch again until my eyes and mind grow tired, so I needn't think again or be gripped with a heady trepidation of an impending loss, a cold reality that we may face: losing loved ones any day.

'Any day now.. any day.' It keeps replaying in my head.

I still believe in miracles, Father. We will get through this. And thank you for movies that move hearts and souls. It's still as beautiful as the first time I've watched it. 

Tweet

Of Random Notes To No One

It's that time of the week again, throwback Thursday. People usually spam my social feeds with anything old.  I get amused each time. Thursday has become a wonderful prelude to the last work day of the week for me. Well, on off peak audit season that is. 

I have the habit of doodling and scribbling my thoughts on paper. With more advanced technology, I type on my phone and my laptop. It's not the therapeutic benefits I was after (I didn't know of it at first), I wanted me to remember. I wanted to look back how everything was and hopefully see myself in the future reading, finally in the know of why it had to happen, why we have to let go of people we are not meant to have and how everything was indeed for the best. So when I had my long vacation last month, my agenda was to scour for them and transfer them digitally. I started with notebooks I had in college, my old phone (outbox was overflowing with cheesy stuff), my old documents saved in the laptop I handed down to my baby bro and from scraps of paper tucked in books, notebooks and the treasure box lying under my bed. Sifting through the contents of my treasure box was amusing too. I have kept most of the letters and notes friends, family and uhm, boys that have fascinated (or not) me once upon a time since elementary. I forgot I printed email threads, archived Yahoo and Friendster conversations (and testimonials remember them?). God, outside looking in I looked indifferent but I was really one sentimental girl. 

I guess, every Thursday.. I would post some of the stuff I managed to transfer digitally; unsent letters and stories I wrote for someone, for my future self and for Stranger (who used to be Mr. Darcy in other writings but since it is impossible to find this awesome dude in this modern age I changed his name). 

So I'm starting off with this below since I'm listening to Coldplay's Clocks. This was undated but I'm guessing this was around 2006. College freshman year. 

"...i walked back alone. to wait for Papa to come pick me up. i sat on the bench and did more waiting. i counted each person exiting the gates. 50. the clock read half past 9. tick. tock. tick. tock. it's a reminder that the world's moving. but as long as i haven't shaken the instinct of calling you in the quiet, i am not part of that world. not yet."  

On a lighter note, I made a caption of this photo taken in Butuan. This was during Typhoon Ondoy. Ironically, when Metro Manila was submerged in flood we were having the time of our lives. 

"I must have been really happy. I didn't mind having my picture taken smiling and laughing in the most unflattering way. I felt free. It was one of the rare times when I was allowed to travel unchaperoned. Dear God, after college, am I really going to earn my independence? No hatid sundo? No Yaya. No friends from the police escorting me back home when Papa is out of town for conferences? Is this how it feels like to be free?"

I read somewhere that there is a difference between being nostalgic for a particular person and a shared memory. I'm still trying to work on that. I have theories but I still cannot express in a way where my thoughts get through. 

But anyway, I digress. Happy Throwback Thursday! 

Tweet

Curfew

'Oh my god, I love this song..'

I use that line a lot. I then turn the volume up and half-force anyone to listen with me. Do you know it's a capital offense to say, 'It sounded okay' to a person passionate about a song? Well, feels like it but we just don't say, do we? 

I liked Curfew but I don't particularly love it. What kept me watching was how it evoked childhood memories at such an ungodly hour. Richard reminded me of my very own uncle. He's not depressed though but like Richard, he babysat for me a lot. I fondly call him Yoyo (male for Yaya). Lola Mommy says, he's more sorted out when we're around which led me to thinking being responsible for another person profoundly changes one's life. They are driven with a purpose, a reason to live. This story tells that. I love how Sophia unknowingly saved his life. Kids do that. They have a certain simplistic view of the world that our life's own complications appear superficial. But I'm more amazed at the wonders they do without uttering a word. A simple gesture that is a hug, a peck on the cheek, or when they run to close the distance to have you carry them can already lift your downtrodden spirits. Try it. Personally, I get so fuzzy whenever I get home and I see my nieces and my nephews run to me excitedly, hug a leg, and endlessly tug my shirt until I carry them. 

And Sophia? She's a little of my 10 year old self. She cannot possibly hold her tongue. She speaks her mind at will. She's inquisitive, a trait we all should have. We should live curious (as NatGeo would say). Knowledge starts with a question. So don't you ever hesitate asking one. There's not a stupid question, only lazy people who refuse to answer. Or, pretend they know but really don't know the answers to it. That's all there is. 

I'm guessing I don't sound coherent. I don't expect to be. I just needed to write about something and Curfew seemed a good material to talk about. It's 4 in the morning and we are still up preparing for a client meeting in a few hours. We are intoxicated with caffeine and greasy food (overabundance of pizzas, burgers and take out food that caters 24 hours). Tax season is always taxing in my line of profession but I'm really really glad my team is fun to be with. Thank God for them. Endless corny jokes, incoherent blurbs about the latest gossip and sometimes when we're really really sleepless..sappy topics of life, love and marriage.  

But before I go, I want to leave this wonderful quote I got from Life of Pi:

Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching,

Even when He seemed to be indifferent to my suffering, He was watching,

And when I was beyond all hope of saving, He gave me rest. 

I find this fitting for Richard...

Tweet

Long Overdue

I’m happy for you and I am equally thrilled that I really am. Before, I thought I’d have endless attempts convincing myself I’m happy but it’s liberating to know it’s not the case.

I have to be thankful for whatever transpired between us. We are all made in parts, of fragments, a giant mosaic of memories and experiences that make one exquisite. Parts of me came into existence because you happened. I never meant letting you go. I chose to drift away to try to let go of a possibility and fulfill a promise, a vow I made to God. There was an imperative need in me to be whole in solitude before I can share myself in love with another. I promised Him my time, the rollercoaster ride of adolescence to adulthood, to know Him, to relish on His words and teachings and hopefully grow into a woman that brings Him joy.  I was preparing myself, maybe for you, or for someone else so I had to let it go and put my faith in His timing. I have prayed for you and rested my fears and uncertainty on Him. If you are really for me, He will make it happen. But you are, as I’ve guessed from the start, meant for someone else, I am happy that I was a part of the process in preparing you for her.

Thank you for not leaving. You could have but you never did. You stubbornly stayed. You tirelessly reminded me I still have your friendship; that when trouble finds me I have you to count on. I thought it preposterous for you to have liked the proud, unyielding version of myself. Inner battles I fought were always of my pride and ego. I had issues. I was never the one to send a message first or say crazy things like I miss you. I should have told you and made you as happy. But I was selfish. I only took from you. We waste our words. We don’t say them when they still have significance, only when the point is moot. I know that now. It was hard to change my ways but as you can see I am more expressive and self-forgiving. You’ve made me braver.

As you have advised, no more mind games. They’re not you. I played it hoping they’d challenge me back the way you did, intent in proving you cannot be just the one. What I did was fruitless and nonsensical. I was but chasing a ghost of you, looking for a remnant or a piece of you in them, instead of being genuinely interested of some guy because he is what he is. Do you know I become immediately disinterested when I hear they don’t like jazz and reggae? It’s ridiculous as I remember it now. How unfair and childish I was. So I don’t play it anymore save for men who deserve the mental beating.

Thank you, most especially, for having so much faith in me. You insist I have a good, compassionate heart in spite of it all. You were always proud of me to the point that it scared me to disappoint. Thank you for deepening my faith in Christ. We can talk for hours wondering about Him. Other guys I knew would hurriedly change the topic; tapping on their spirituality was awkward to them. But you delight in it. His name is on your lips always. You inspire me to become the best version of myself and to spread His faith on His people to anyone I can inspire for Him every chance I get. Thank you. This was the best gift I’ve received from you other than our friendship.

 Please remember that whatever trouble may befall you, I am here as promised. Our friendship had stood the test of time that long stretches of silence can ever sever the bond. The familiarity is hard to kill, like an old hometown you come back to.

I wish you happiness like how you wish for mine. I appreciate the gesture, it was thoughtful. The gap that divided us has magically dissipated. So I guess I will end this with our thing, ‘Til we’re old and gray, to decades and decades more of us, of this, of friendship.’

PS Welcome to my blog finally. And yes, I still love putting postscripts. Some things don’t change, do they? Don’t you dare comment!  And don’t back read!

Tweet

For you, Mich.

The sound of your breathy Hello was music to my ears, a welcome pause to my busy, frantic day. When Auntie called and said you wished to talk, I almost fell off my chair. You caught me off guard. There was a long silence in the other line until you said Hello. I barely heard myself say Hi. We stayed on the line like that engulfed in silence, words hung in the air waiting desperately to be uttered and yet there we were foolishly waiting for one to finally break the silence. You did. You said you're getting married. 

Doubt all you can but know this, I am happy for you. I sense hesitation in the way you broke the news. You were gauging my reaction. You were reining it in, your happiness and excitement. For me. For the silly pact we made. Oh Mich, your happiness means a lot more to me than a silly pact! By all means, gush all you want about the wedding and the baby. Let me share in it. I want to. 

You kept it from me for you worry I'd go ballistic. I never liked your man for the sole reason that he broke your heart to pieces and left you once. You asked him to stay and yet he still left. I was mad when I heard this. Not of his leaving but more of your asking him to stay. I told you to keep your pride high and intact to which you replied in angry retort, 'I wish not of a future wondering the what ifs! At least I tried to fight for my happiness. I refuse to let go of anyone who means a lot to me without doing anything. You? You still pine for him after all these years. You pushed him away, never said anything and never tried. You said you're brave and strong? No, get this, you're a spineless coward! There I said it! So yeah, be happy with your precious pride and walls! Allow me to be foolish and leave me be.' 

It wounded me for a long while and those words echo still in my thoughts. And I thank you for it helped me be better, braver, happier and in a mission to never to do it again, be a coward. Okayyy, maybe I still am a bit proud and a bit of a cynic still but now in right proportions and circumstances. 

I'm really glad we had a long talk. Your baby Carlisle is such a blessing, he brought us back together.. You asked me to write for you for you know I express my thoughts more in written words. And so here I am. 

Don't worry too much. You will be a great Mom to Carlisle. Be a cool and loving Mom. Teach him to love God above all. Teach him to sing Him praises and to make Him a part of his every waking day. With Him in his heart, he will grow to be a fine man. Raise him to be fearless, to be cautious, and to be passionate in what he decides on doing. 

As for your impending marriage, I wish you blissful years of happiness. Know now I cannot fulfill the duties of being a maid of honor. Don't ask me to be one okay?  

And Mich? You asked, what if he's not "the one?" Maybe there is not only one "the one" in my opinion. There were a series of "the ones" and you mourned for each one of them. They were your concept of "ones" in all the right places and circumstances. And that's all there is. It's a choice. You're not marrying him because you have Carlisle. You're marrying him because you choose him. And he, you. You worry of the ghosts of his pasts. Don't. Do you think he isn't worrying of yours too? You, like him, mourned  long for the love you've lost, the most fatal of all, the love that sprang from the innocence of youth. Yet, you found love in each other. Not adolescent love but mature love. You may not be each other's firsts, but you are each other's lasts.

Don't marry him to change him. That is mostly the folly of women. Love a man for all and what he is  and that also includes what he was, who he's loved and the person he becomes in the future. Every inch of him belongs to everyone he's ever known and loved. And that makes a person beautiful, his or her collage of memories and experiences. Remember, he will not be who is now without them.

I pray for you and your union. I am happy for you. I am happy to welcome Carlisle Kendrik Abel. Poor kid, he'll have trouble writing his name in class. You gave him a long one! 

I miss you Mich.. See you the soonest. 

Tweet

Homesick

If I was home, I'd wake up to my Mama's kisses while asking me to go help prepare. My hands will soon smell from peeling garlic, eyes watery from slicing onions and my hair will smell of smoke. Manang Loring will ask me which bowls and dishes to use for the table, where to put chairs, and what nots she knows I'd fuss about. 

I'm homesick. I am missing this year's fiesta yet again. I could have had book those tickets but who knew I'd just be slacking around the office all week? 

Friends and family keep sending me messages how delicious the food was at our place, who's home for the occasion and how they're all having fun. Thank you. Thank you for making me all jealous. Haha. While you all are making me regret for not coming home, I'm listening to Daft Punk, Moony, Kaskade, and Bonnie Bailey while browsing old photos of us. 

When most of the guests turn to leave, we stayed to enjoy the eerie quiet. By then, everyone (well, except me and Camay) will be a bit tipsy and start getting emotional. And like every year, we make a pact to grow old like this. I challenged it then by saying, 'Oh? You guys, such romantics. We won't. I'd change. You'll change. We'll drift apart. It'll break my heart but life happens. But this right now? This is our truth. We love each other to bits. And your future Daj will look back on this with a happy heart. That I can promise.' To which you would all roll your eyes saying, 'Shut up. Stop being so rational for one second and join the pact!'

As much as I try to deny it, I still remember the pact. I'll leave you with this. It always reminds me of good, old days.

Just so you know, I miss us. I seldom say it, but I do. 

Tweet

Unlove Me Not

A month ago, I discovered I Wrote This For You. Beautiful weaving of words, so poetic and poignant. You find a collection of random love letters written for no one in particular. I find the style of writing unassuming. I love how the author plays with words so simple and straightforward. Most will find it unnecessary to open a thesaurus. And yet, even so, the writings are teeming with emotion.

Here's an excerpt of one post:

"...hate is anger over something lost, hate is passion, hate is misguided, it's caring for the wrong things but it is still caring. But unlove, unlove is to unkiss, to unremember, to unhold, to undream, to undo everything that ever was and leave smooth stone behind in its wake. No fire. No fury. Just nothing. And that is worse than hate."

photo source

Tweet

You Make Me

Typing notes on my phone is a habit. I put down in writing how I feel at the height of it. It means more when emotions are raw and you just write feverishly. 

When you just write, caring less for coherence. When you write to just unload. When you write to an audience composing you and you alone. When you write, hopeful of a future when you won't find it painful anymore.

 And I found these on my old phone while I was browsing through old notes and unpublished drafts of this blog. These were written way way back in college, even earlier. Now that I can look back devoid of anything but amusement, I can finally post it.  More to come? Maybe. 

"I will never see you again. Not in ways I used to. When I see you, things would have changed. You and I. And a million other things.

But that's okay. Neither you and I can control it. It just happens." 

But what triggered this sudden inclination to publish what I would've dreaded to be known to the world years back? I had this dinner with a friend last Friday and we had this nostalgic trip down memory lane. She inspired this. She made me want to actually have them all read. 

By the way, I also had a very interesting week. One boring day at the office, I did something spontaneous. That spontaneity makes me smile silly just thinking of it. I'm smiling still at how random and surreal this all is. What are the chances that you find someone so similar and so engaging? Strange. The kind of strange that feels good, that thrills. 

So, how was your week?

Tweet

Farewells in August

I bade farewell to two of my closest friends. One already left for South Korea a week ago and the other, my best friend Kara is leaving for France this week. Although it's true we don't get to see them often while they were here but it is entirely different when one actually leaves the country. For starters, you just cannot text one for an (impromptu) invite to a movie, dinner, etc.

They won't feel too far away not with Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk and Whatsapp around. They are just one IM and tweet away! I love you technology. 

See you Joh in two years and you Kara, this Christmas!

Tweet

You and I, Some Irrational Love

"Don't you worry there my honey, we might not have any money

But we got our love to pay the bills"

I was watching My Girlfriend's Boyfriend when I rediscovered this song again. The song played while Jessie got married to Ethan, a writer she met at a cafe. She chose him over Troy, who co-owns a lucrative advertising company. Ethan takes her to parks while Troy takes her to fancy restaurants and exclusive romantic getaways. She was confused who to choose. Ethan is safe and fuzzy, the type you can easily cuddle to on a rainy afternoon while he reads you a book in a peaceful drone almost lulling you to sleep. Troy on the other hand is attractive, confident and driven but who feels like a continuation to nothing. He's right at the moment. He's seductive. You're drawn to him but you know at the back of your mind, this intense attraction will fizzle out to dying embers. He does not feel permanent, as of the moment. You are then tempted to risk it, to find if this could somehow last. Either Troy or Ethan? But like any other movie, heroine ends up with the safe guy, Ethan. But there is this twist at the end of the movie, that will surprise you though. Didn't see it coming too. So go check it out. 

But really, if hypothetically you were Jessie, who would you have chosen? I would've chosen Troy. I always take things rationally, weigh my options over and over again. I'm a confessed cynic and for once I'd love to try how it is to love feverishly and irrationally. Yes,  I might end up having my heart broken but it will surely be one for the books. At the very least, I have a story to tell to some random stranger at the bar or cafe.

To love because you just do. To love not because he or she has something for you or you to him or her. To love just because.. In this practical, materialistic world? I hardly hear someone do it anymore. 

So anyway, I gotta run. Meeting my best friend later for coffee before she leaves for Paris. I just bid farewell to one of my good friends a week ago, now, again for another. Ciao. 

Tweet

The Yellow Camaro

Recognize that car? If you're a Transformers fan you will immediately recognize this. Chevrolet's Yellow Camaro = BUMBLEBEE!!!

After church, we dropped by Powerplant mall on our way home when we see this Yellow Camaro on display. I hurriedly made my way through a small group of people crowding the car. When I got near enough, I mechanically ran my fingers on its hood. Here's the part when I thought of popping its hood the way Megan Fox did in the movie, lol! Only it'd be weird since for starters, I'm not a tall, drop dead gorgeous  cat-eyed brunette! 

Taking pictures was a given. We just had to. 'Twas just so cool! I'd pick this over a Maserati in a heartbeat! 

Normally, I don't pose around malls having my picture taken (something I have to overcome yet). Will explain why in  a separate post. BUT I DID. For Bumblebee. And to make my baby brother jealous who's also a big fan. 

Men were discussing horse power among other topics that sounded gibberish to me. I, on the other hand, just had to squeal and say in half whisper again and again, 'BUMBLEBEE!' 

Happy long weekend!!! Enjoy! 

Tweet

Banana Pancakes on Repeat

I found this song recently as it played randomly in my media player. Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes is perfect for rainy days. I found myself playing it on repeat as I work in the office. It helps me relax.

When I hear the song, I think of home, of hot coffee or coco, of waffles, of endless time lazing on the couch by the window watching everything get drenched, of the lulling sound of the rain, of the cold, of children playing tag under the rain.. all these in a heady mix of nostalgia, longing and daydreaming. 

It makes me ignore the cynic in me and fearlessly embrace emotional vulnerability and nakedness to a faceless, nameless stranger I somehow wish and dread to meet one day and sing this lines to him unabashedly out of tune:

"When the world fits inside of your arms,

 Don't really need to pay attention the alarm

 Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow"  

Tweet

Trip Back Home

I had my long break last week. After months of being away from home, I was so psyched and excited to fly that I had to leave the office early to 'prepare' coz I know when I get off that plane, my baby brother (who's inches taller than I am now) will be looking for his boxes of Krispy Kreme. 

I am the family's eldest and unica hija, pretty explains why the entire family's very protective of me. So even if I could very well find my way home, hey picked me up the airport. The moment I got in the car I felt home immediately. I was also glad our Strada's up and running after Sendong. We dropped by SM Cagayan de Oro to eat breakfast since I havent had any. 

At home, Papa prepared a sumptuous dinner. He knew I missed his cooking and boy was he right. I had grilled Bangus and shells!!! YUM. It's been months since I had any. You see, Bangus and shells are my favorite. We always have that for lunch every Sunday before I moved here in Makati. Gahd, dinners like that make me miss being pampered. Being an only daughter and having two parents who adore me, do have their perks. 

We went off to Pryce Memorial Gardens to visit my grandaunt and my great grandmother since it was my grandaunt's birthday. Weird huh to celebrate one's birth when they're dead already. But we Filipinos have that sentimentality and we pay respects every time. We had difficulty lighting the candles since it was so windy. My hat kept flying off. 

After saying a short prayer, my brother played with the wind and had his plane soaring. I watched it soar over the sprawling, green grass against the blue skyline. The sound of rustling leaves and swaying trees seemed like a lulling music in this peaceful place for the dead. Now I know why my grandaunt specifically wanted to lie her remains there.

Paul was still having fun flying his plane when Mama called us back in the car. We were still heading to Initao Forest Park for a stroll. More on that when I get back.

Tweet

Finally Wired!

No internet = social bane. I thought I could without internet in my apartment but that just won't do.I miss blogging just had to get a postpaid broadband. 

On Labor Day, I decided to get Sun Broadband. :) Friends, I am so thrilled I am finally wired to the world wide web! I miss idling away online browsing random stuff and back to blogging regularly I hope. 

Just so you know, I took Sun Broadband's Anti-Bill Shock plan.

You might wonder why I did not get their unlimited plan. My housemate and I considered getting one and splitting the bill making it more practical and way lot cheaper. We all know though we are that stage when one is unsure of the career path we're taking. We're still deciding whether to stay and grow in our present job, leave for home to rethink things or seek other jobs that truly make us happy. When one leaves, who shoulders the penalty for contract breach? (read holding period).

Anti-bill shock is just right for me. For a number of reasons:

1. No holding period. Meaning, you can have it cut anytime.
2. 60 hours free internet hours every month. If you go beyond that, Sun charges and additional Php 10 per hour (that's cheap) but you will never ever pay beyond Php 999. 

Ain't it sweet? 

By the way, my blog is under construction. You may notice frequent changes here and there. I am thinking of getting my own domain but the hassle of migrating had me thinking twice. One thing's for sure though, I am changing my blog title soon since I have already outgrown it plus it sounds cheesy. AND, I'll be doing a travel blog soon. I pray everything goes according to plan. 

Do you have blog title suggestions? Anyone? 

Tweet

Mini Holy Week Excursion

Every auditor prays next year's Holy Week won't fall before April 15th. We are at our busiest. Peak season.

While everyone is announcing their travel plans for the week, I'm in the corner revising and printing financial statements. I wouldn't mind these late nights as long as I am not missing out on holiday vacays. At these time of the year, I should be at home lying idly on the couch watching the four-hour long Ten Commandments with my brother devouring a bowl of tabirak. I'm not sure what it's called here though.. it could be minatamis or ginataan? 

On Good Friday we had no work. I woke up late to the mid-morning heat. All stores were closed so we had bread, strawberry jam and coffee for breakfast. We all huddled together on the floor to watch Passion of Christ on Marjun's laptop. That movie tugs my heartstrings. I bailed the moment Jesus was lashed by the Romans. I know when I do I'd only bawl like I always do when watching it.

We headed to the church to pray and attend mass. It rained. It dampened our spirits a bit. We planned on walking along the barren streets of Makati Ave. Good thing the sun blazed in a short while  and took some pictures.

The charm of old churches. They always look good in photos.

Cotton candy! Manong was so game to pose. And he has the same shirt as Mylene's and Jimmy's. 'Twas so funny. There were a lot, like a lot, of people wearing that blue Superman shirt on Good Friday. 

I think we ate what was sold on the streets. Peanuts, popsicles, cotton candy, kwek-kwek, green mango.. Talk about fasting on Good Friday huh?

This was on Inquirer's front page. Tourists flocked the area to take pictures and have their pictures taken too. 

More and more walking as there were no jeepneys even the drivers took their holiday. We looked for food  to buy to bring home for dinner. Thank God Andok's was open. Their grilled and stuffed bangus is our favorite! 

Yes, we only stayed aroung Makati but in a way, we did a little traveling. As we walked along the deserted street of Rockwell Drive, I looked at my laughing friends and whispered a prayer of thanks for all the blessings I receive everyday. I was having that emo moment when Kelvin sang a funny line that goes like this, We will, we will ROCKWELL. It was so CORNY, we can't help but roll our eyes and burst out laughing.

I hope you all had a good week too. 

Tweet

Little Miss No More

For a girl who had been sheltered for 21 years of her life, living away from home is scary but a thrilling idea. I had been dreaming of earning my independence right after college when I learned there was no way my Mom would allow me to pursue my college degree in Cebu or Manila, I swore to myself in front of my bathroom mirror one rainy day (yeah, raging hormones gone haywire of a teenage girl in high school), I'd work away from home and learn to fend for myself. 

Five years later, here I am exactly where I pictured myself to be, renting out an apartment with college friends! Yes, this Papa's girl still gets homesick all the time but it's fine. Nothing compares to the comforts of the home I grew up in but staying there will chase maturity away.

I'm having fun with the perks of having your own place. I can come home and go as I please. When I go out  late with friends I never have to worry sick if my phone rings knowing my Mama is not on the other line telling me Papa's picking me up na. It's so liberating I am loving it so far. 

Our apartment is the default place to be for hang outs and celebrations. We surprised Mylene (girl with the Baguio souvenir shirt) on her birthday with ice cream. All of us are auditors, it's the peak season but that's no excuse to bail out on her mini surprise.

We were part of the Pyromusical. We made it a point to get together for it every weekend. I am such a sucker for fireworks I feel giddy like a kid whenever I see one. So, so magical. And better when shared with good company. 

Our college friend/dorm-mate/extension roommate came for a short visit for an exam. Glad she did. Haven't seen her for ages and missed her loads! We then had dinner at Banana Leaf in Powerplant Mall as it's nearer home and just across the street from our office.

Can't say I've managed independence in a breeze. I wouldn't have without the help of my housemates. Managing my finances was a challenge too. Before, I never had to worry for bills. Now I had to set aside for rent, utilities and phone bill. Shopping for groceries is new to me too. Before I never had to glance at the price, I just get and toss things in the cart. Now, I've had to carefully compare prices. 

All in all though, I'm loving every bit of it.

Next up in my to do list is traveling either with my friends or family. SOON! Cheers to good life. 

Tweet

Better Late Than Never: 2011 Wrap Up

My blog is gathering cobwebs the more I let it be un-updated. I never had blog-hopped in a long, long time. I stopped writing for a while ever since I started working. It's not that I am too busy, well may be that's a part of it but it is not the most impending reason why I just sort of drifted away from the blogosphere.. it is the lack of having an internet connection.

As soon as we get wired to the net in our place, I promise to update more! A part of me feels guilty whenever I remember my blog lacks posts. Some bloggers feel obligated to update for their readers,well somehow I have that; if ever there really are readers considering the blog once reached a Google page rank of 4. However, what bugs me really is failing to chronicle more what happened in 2011. 2011 is such a big year for me. It brought about a lot of changes in my life and in others.

1. GRADUATION AND FAREWELLS. The thunderous and joyous cheer as we tossed our caps to signal a closed chapter of our lives and the overwhelming hopes as we turn a page of a new one. But along that mixed joy and pride is the bittersweet separation from friends you got attached with over the years. *sigh* I realized, people come and go. You feel really close with someone and suddenly when you run into each other in the mall, it's all awkward. You run out of things to talk about too quickly for comfort. And it's sad. Things will never be the same. BUT it's a relief that there are certain sets of friends that no matter how long and far you spend the year/s apart, there's still that warm, fuzzy feeling whenever you're together. And the good thing is you never have to TALK. Having them there sitting with you with a cup of coffee is already pure joy. That my friends, is my idea of a lasting friendship and companionship, being comfortable with the silence. 
2. MOVING OUT. I FINALLY HAVE A PLACE OF MY OWN. Well technically I don't own it, I rent together with three of my friends since college. You think it's a piece of cake for someone who dreamed of moving out in a big city since but NO. IT WAS NOT A WALK TO THE PARK for me. Yes, in spite of growing up with household help, I did chores. BUT light chores. I know how to do the dishes and clean but I don't cook. Cooking never fell in the area of my expertise and interest, much to the despair of my father. And these chores I talk about only occur once a week during our house help's day off but to have to clean and take care of the house as a shared responsibility is somehow foreign to me. But I will get used to it. I still miss being taken cared of, A LOT but soon I hope things will go pretty smooth. 
3. WORK AND FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. An 8-5pm job surprisingly came easy. It's just like going to school. In my firm we work in teams, thankfully I was assigned to a cool team. With the initial thought of having to adjust to a new set of people, I became wary of how I act around the office. I try to smile as much as I can coz whenever I keep silent, people always have this impression that I'm a snob. I'm aloof but I'm definitely not snob. In my honest opinion, I am actually friendly although I find it at times I find it difficult to blend in with certain types of persons. There are just those types that don't mesh well with your personality easily. Ergo, I take time to warm up. BUT I DO LIKE WHERE I'M IN right now. In spite of everything, I can say, for now I enjoy and thrive in what I do but  it's just been a couple of months so I think I'll have to make a post of again AFTER the busy season by then I'd have more of a good evaluation of where I'm at now. On the other hand, financial matters are tricky. Before I received my first paycheck, I drained the monthly allowance my father sent me. He really scolded me with that. He was worried. Which is bad because I reckon the more he gets upset of my bold move to be independent, the more chance of seeing him here personally to fetch me and pack my things. SCARY. I won't want that. So I HAD to get a hold of myself. So far so good. I just purchased my first roundtrip tickets home! I feel elated to do that without using my Mom's card! 
4. THE TRAGIC END THAT WAS SENDONG. In defiance to my Mom's orders not to go home, I did. She didn't want me to see our place in a desolate state after Typhoon Sendong. Our home was not spared form his wrath. Sendong submerged our entire first floor and let our car float in the waters overnight. Amidst all that, I am grateful God spared my family's lives. All our properties can be washed away it won't be the end of my world.. but the dreadful thought of losing even one of them would kill a huge part of me. When I received my Mom's message asking for rescue in the middle of the night, I went haywire! I trembled in fear and helplessness as I worried over their safety. I scrambled to call for friends and relatives to ask of their state because at the time both of their phones went dead. It was an unforgettable night for me. It was a long, long night waiting for news. It was awful. I can do nothing but intently pray. Pray for their lives. I never had bargained with GOD. But at that time I did. I remember asking him to take away everything, the house, the documents, the car, even my job, just not them. Not them. I cried in relief when I finally heard my father's voice telling me in a tired voice that they are safe, that the water had begun to subside. He was holding back news of deaths, of destruction. He didn't want me to feel depressed. And I let him. However pictures of the aftermath were all over facebook. Pictures that spoke of deaths, grief, destruction, and hopelessness. In one night he rendered hundreds of people homeless, children orphaned, couples widowed, and parents childless. But it is more of a torture to have lost loved ones and not being able to know what became of them or even see their bodies. What happened to my hometown was unspeakably depressing. However. Filipinos are known for their resilience I know that in time my hometown will be able to overcome this trial. I am fervently hoping for a happier Iligan the next time I come home for a visit. I just know that somehow, someday, the wounds will heal and the scar it leaves will forever etch that dreadful day in everyone's memories and a lesson learned that Mother Nature when angered does not hold back. 

I know, it has been a long entry. This is in attempt to chronicle 2011 as I greet a new year. :) 2012. May we all not depend our fates to a fictional dragon but instead, direct our hearts and hopes in prayer to God, the Master Planner whose plans can never be thwarted and whose plans are always intended for higher purpose. Always remember and keep in mind that no matter how things turn out, things will fall right into place in His own time. We only need to practice one discipline, the patience to wait. 

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Better late than never! :))

Tweet

Christmas Carols.

Hearing Christmas carols playing in malls always make me feel giddy with joy and excitement. It has been and will always be my most favorite time of the year. It's not because of gifts..okay so let's say the sound of ripped Christmas wrappers and untying ribbons is part of it but we know it's not that. It's the thought that counts NO MATTER how cliched and corny it sounds, but it all boils down to that. Well at least that is for me. It is a big deal that someone actually cared. It delights me to know that someone queued at a busy counter in the mall secretly smiling and hoping that you'd like that little something he/she bought for you out of his/her limited resources. 

In fact one need not wrap elaborate gifts, somehow a simple, Have a Merry Christmas, can only make one's Christmas complete OR a hug OR a smile OR a laugh OR a simple dinner. Yes, I have a soft spot for small gestures. I'd rather have buckets of these than a sparse supply of grand ones. My parents always remind me to appreciate the smallest things and I'd always be grateful for that insight for the rest of my life coz it keeps me grounded. 

AND speaking of family, it'd be the FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS I'd spend away from home. Merely thinking about it bugs me big time. It saddens me actually. I immerse myself in work to avoid thoughts of home, Dad's home-cooked meals, my baby (who's not much of a baby anymore) brother who incessantly talks about history and robots, my weekend shopping trips with Mom, and a whole lot more. When I signed up for this I told myself I'm ready for this kind of stuff, apparently my mind-setting is an epic fail. My cousin was right, I can never really say until it's there in front of you. 

So all I can do this season is to heave a huge SIGH and hope that my Christmas and New Year's will end up well surrounded by merry friends. I HOPE.

Tweet

The CPAR Experience

The five-month review was no joke. Day and nights were mostly spent bowed down on our desks solving tons of problems. We saw no end. You know you're exhausted but you just can't say you are. Because the more you think it and say it, the more it tires you out. For any reviewee, that is a big no-no.

We were fortunate though to have been given the opportunity to get in a review school with reviewers who help lighten the load. I must say that in the entire time in CPAR, I never had to drag my feet towards their building. In fact, I looked forward to going to review class NOT because I know I'll be seeing that geek yet muscular guy I've set my eyes on but because I was sure Sir D and the Roque brothers will crack jokes everyone will be talking about for weeks! 

For every BS Accountancy graduate, the dilemma goes with where to review. I've been there. Even made a post about it here. You have to weigh down the pros and cons. And it helps to ask your seniors for honest feedback. However, each review center has their own approach. I cannot say for other but the CPA Review School of the Philippines (CPAR) is more conceptual. Unlike others, handouts given are already exercises. No more lecture manuals, just problems. If you are the type who gets bored reading a handful of these lecture notes and prefer listening to discussions, then CPAR is for you. 

So, WHY GET INTO CPA REVIEW SCHOOL OF THE PHILIPPINES? I'll try to be as objective as I can coz frankly I am quite fond of not only the organization itself but the people who are involved in them.

WHAT I LOVED:

1. CPAR has stable class schedules. They rarely mess up with your study schedules for last-minute make-up classes. You can choose to four sessions: Morning, Afternoon, Evening and Weekend. All four cater to various persons who have different preferences. Working? You can do evenings or weekends. Not a morning person? You can do PM classes. 
2. If you were not able to grasp the latest lecture, you can always retake it on other classes. Class schedules are posted in the bulletin board for your convenience. Others often decide to have flexible classes when they are catching up on topics unfinished. 
3. THE REVIEWERS ROCK! Half the time you spend in class is laughing. Especially when you're under Sir D and the Roque brothers. They crack jokes, ALL the time. At times, I sit in on other classes just to hear the joke I missed or hear it all over again. Yeah, we're FANS. It's not all laughter, believe me, all those clouds hanging by your head since undergrad will all be cleared after each lecture. They make all the confusing and difficult topics seem easy and understandable. I never spent a session in my waterloo subject (P2) without aah-ing coz it would be the first time I finally understand why it was solved that way.
4. All of them especially the review director, Atty. Conrado T. Valix, CPA are very hands on. I have never seen anyone as passionate in his craft as he is. You immediately know and feel he loves what he's doing when you see him in action. And you feel his sincerity when he pats your back and says, 'Kumusta? Okay lang iyan, first preboard pa. Tatawanan mo nalang ang board exam' Like seriously, he was there waiting at the front entrance of the building bidding goodbye and God Bless to all his reviewees before they go to their respective testing center. And don't get me started on his philanthropic deeds, I have tons of stories that will amaze you but perhaps on a separate post.
5. The establishment is near UST church and other churches you can go every afternoon. I'm sure you've heard every reviewee is in touch with his or her spirituality during those trying times.
6. BE inspired everyday. You see the authors of your books in the flesh lecturing. Like, WOW. And it even delights you to know how grounded they are how they each started from scratch and made it big. Whenever they talk, it's all about them, they make sure to remind you that whatever school, place and grade you achieved undergrad, you can make it if you think it and work hard for it.

WHAT I HATED.. if any..

1. Cost of living? The tuition fee might be low compared to others, but the lodging and food drains your allowance.
2. Getting exposed to a lot of hearsays sometimes you don't know what to believe in anymore. But this I can say for sure, whatever they may be, be sure to prioritize the handouts given before checking out others' sources. 
3. You get to mingle with the big U's, but don't let it get into you. Never belittle yourself. Don't get intimidated. 

THE REVIEWERS

We crowded Daddy Valix and Baby Valix. Yes, they are the father and son tandem you see in your Financial Accounting books and reviewers. In spite of their success, they remain grounded. They are two of the few people I know who are truly generous and sensitive to those who are in need. You just know, coz the people who work for them are happy with their work because when you work for bosses who are inspired everyday it rubs off on you and you suddenly do more than what is asked.

Atty. Jack de Vera. I only had a taste of his lecture on preweek coz I was under Sir D for both BL and Tax. Well, he is chatty and friendly. Other reviewers evade pictures but he however invites reviewees to take pictures with him. Yeah, he does. FEELING ARTISTA? Maybe. Sometimes though, he's full of himself but not the type who can get on your nerves. 

That is (L-R) Paul Anthony de Jesus, Thomas Siy and Atty. Lopez. I have a huge, huge crush on... but the one holding the beer won the hearts of most reviewees, he got four of my classmates swoon at the mention of his name. He's mahangin coz he knows he's cute. You know how annoying it is for someone who's cute to KNOW and SAY he's cute?? Yeah, he's that kind of guy. BUT Sir Paul.. tsk. I can only SIGH. I'd leave my friends by the stairs while I half-run  towards him amidst the sea of faces just to say GOOD MORNING while trying to catch my breath. 

 Baby Valix is the epitome of a boy next door. He looks meek, looks nice, smells nice, a gentleman BUT don't let him talk or walk. You'll know what I mean.

 This man is a LEGEN---wait for it---DARY!!! I am such a fan! I love all his lectures I won't miss it for the world. You thought LAW was boring.. but let him discuss and he'll have you laughing your head off. His jokes serve two purposes--to keep you alert and awake and to have you remember stuff. And boy was it effective. His green mnemonics help too! LOL. Basta, you will love SIR D.

I don't have pictures of the others like Sir German, and the Roque Brothers. Bummer. But they too have charms of their own. They too are hilarious especially the Roque brothers. I wish I was able to take pictures of them. Basta, if you get in to CPAR make sure you get seats on ROOM 3. All the best lecturers are lined up for that room. So, CHEERS and GOOD LUCK!

Okay, I DO regret that I shied away from asking for a solo pic with, ehem, Sir Paul. :((  Oh well.Will try on CPAR's testimonial dinner!

Tweet