The sound of your breathy Hello was music to my ears, a welcome pause to my busy, frantic day. When Auntie called and said you wished to talk, I almost fell off my chair. You caught me off guard. There was a long silence in the other line until you said Hello. I barely heard myself say Hi. We stayed on the line like that engulfed in silence, words hung in the air waiting desperately to be uttered and yet there we were foolishly waiting for one to finally break the silence. You did. You said you're getting married.
Doubt all you can but know this, I am happy for you. I sense hesitation in the way you broke the news. You were gauging my reaction. You were reining it in, your happiness and excitement. For me. For the silly pact we made. Oh Mich, your happiness means a lot more to me than a silly pact! By all means, gush all you want about the wedding and the baby. Let me share in it. I want to.
You kept it from me for you worry I'd go ballistic. I never liked your man for the sole reason that he broke your heart to pieces and left you once. You asked him to stay and yet he still left. I was mad when I heard this. Not of his leaving but more of your asking him to stay. I told you to keep your pride high and intact to which you replied in angry retort, 'I wish not of a future wondering the what ifs! At least I tried to fight for my happiness. I refuse to let go of anyone who means a lot to me without doing anything. You? You still pine for him after all these years. You pushed him away, never said anything and never tried. You said you're brave and strong? No, get this, you're a spineless coward! There I said it! So yeah, be happy with your precious pride and walls! Allow me to be foolish and leave me be.'
It wounded me for a long while and those words echo still in my thoughts. And I thank you for it helped me be better, braver, happier and in a mission to never to do it again, be a coward. Okayyy, maybe I still am a bit proud and a bit of a cynic still but now in right proportions and circumstances.
I'm really glad we had a long talk. Your baby Carlisle is such a blessing, he brought us back together.. You asked me to write for you for you know I express my thoughts more in written words. And so here I am.
Don't worry too much. You will be a great Mom to Carlisle. Be a cool and loving Mom. Teach him to love God above all. Teach him to sing Him praises and to make Him a part of his every waking day. With Him in his heart, he will grow to be a fine man. Raise him to be fearless, to be cautious, and to be passionate in what he decides on doing.
As for your impending marriage, I wish you blissful years of happiness. Know now I cannot fulfill the duties of being a maid of honor. Don't ask me to be one okay?
And Mich? You asked, what if he's not "the one?" Maybe there is not only one "the one" in my opinion. There were a series of "the ones" and you mourned for each one of them. They were your concept of "ones" in all the right places and circumstances. And that's all there is. It's a choice. You're not marrying him because you have Carlisle. You're marrying him because you choose him. And he, you. You worry of the ghosts of his pasts. Don't. Do you think he isn't worrying of yours too? You, like him, mourned long for the love you've lost, the most fatal of all, the love that sprang from the innocence of youth. Yet, you found love in each other. Not adolescent love but mature love. You may not be each other's firsts, but you are each other's lasts.
Don't marry him to change him. That is mostly the folly of women. Love a man for all and what he is and that also includes what he was, who he's loved and the person he becomes in the future. Every inch of him belongs to everyone he's ever known and loved. And that makes a person beautiful, his or her collage of memories and experiences. Remember, he will not be who is now without them.
I pray for you and your union. I am happy for you. I am happy to welcome Carlisle Kendrik Abel. Poor kid, he'll have trouble writing his name in class. You gave him a long one!
I miss you Mich.. See you the soonest.