For you, Mich.

The sound of your breathy Hello was music to my ears, a welcome pause to my busy, frantic day. When Auntie called and said you wished to talk, I almost fell off my chair. You caught me off guard. There was a long silence in the other line until you said Hello. I barely heard myself say Hi. We stayed on the line like that engulfed in silence, words hung in the air waiting desperately to be uttered and yet there we were foolishly waiting for one to finally break the silence. You did. You said you're getting married. 

Doubt all you can but know this, I am happy for you. I sense hesitation in the way you broke the news. You were gauging my reaction. You were reining it in, your happiness and excitement. For me. For the silly pact we made. Oh Mich, your happiness means a lot more to me than a silly pact! By all means, gush all you want about the wedding and the baby. Let me share in it. I want to. 

You kept it from me for you worry I'd go ballistic. I never liked your man for the sole reason that he broke your heart to pieces and left you once. You asked him to stay and yet he still left. I was mad when I heard this. Not of his leaving but more of your asking him to stay. I told you to keep your pride high and intact to which you replied in angry retort, 'I wish not of a future wondering the what ifs! At least I tried to fight for my happiness. I refuse to let go of anyone who means a lot to me without doing anything. You? You still pine for him after all these years. You pushed him away, never said anything and never tried. You said you're brave and strong? No, get this, you're a spineless coward! There I said it! So yeah, be happy with your precious pride and walls! Allow me to be foolish and leave me be.' 

It wounded me for a long while and those words echo still in my thoughts. And I thank you for it helped me be better, braver, happier and in a mission to never to do it again, be a coward. Okayyy, maybe I still am a bit proud and a bit of a cynic still but now in right proportions and circumstances. 

I'm really glad we had a long talk. Your baby Carlisle is such a blessing, he brought us back together.. You asked me to write for you for you know I express my thoughts more in written words. And so here I am. 

Don't worry too much. You will be a great Mom to Carlisle. Be a cool and loving Mom. Teach him to love God above all. Teach him to sing Him praises and to make Him a part of his every waking day. With Him in his heart, he will grow to be a fine man. Raise him to be fearless, to be cautious, and to be passionate in what he decides on doing. 

As for your impending marriage, I wish you blissful years of happiness. Know now I cannot fulfill the duties of being a maid of honor. Don't ask me to be one okay?  

And Mich? You asked, what if he's not "the one?" Maybe there is not only one "the one" in my opinion. There were a series of "the ones" and you mourned for each one of them. They were your concept of "ones" in all the right places and circumstances. And that's all there is. It's a choice. You're not marrying him because you have Carlisle. You're marrying him because you choose him. And he, you. You worry of the ghosts of his pasts. Don't. Do you think he isn't worrying of yours too? You, like him, mourned  long for the love you've lost, the most fatal of all, the love that sprang from the innocence of youth. Yet, you found love in each other. Not adolescent love but mature love. You may not be each other's firsts, but you are each other's lasts.

Don't marry him to change him. That is mostly the folly of women. Love a man for all and what he is  and that also includes what he was, who he's loved and the person he becomes in the future. Every inch of him belongs to everyone he's ever known and loved. And that makes a person beautiful, his or her collage of memories and experiences. Remember, he will not be who is now without them.

I pray for you and your union. I am happy for you. I am happy to welcome Carlisle Kendrik Abel. Poor kid, he'll have trouble writing his name in class. You gave him a long one! 

I miss you Mich.. See you the soonest. 

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Homesick

If I was home, I'd wake up to my Mama's kisses while asking me to go help prepare. My hands will soon smell from peeling garlic, eyes watery from slicing onions and my hair will smell of smoke. Manang Loring will ask me which bowls and dishes to use for the table, where to put chairs, and what nots she knows I'd fuss about. 

I'm homesick. I am missing this year's fiesta yet again. I could have had book those tickets but who knew I'd just be slacking around the office all week? 

Friends and family keep sending me messages how delicious the food was at our place, who's home for the occasion and how they're all having fun. Thank you. Thank you for making me all jealous. Haha. While you all are making me regret for not coming home, I'm listening to Daft Punk, Moony, Kaskade, and Bonnie Bailey while browsing old photos of us. 

When most of the guests turn to leave, we stayed to enjoy the eerie quiet. By then, everyone (well, except me and Camay) will be a bit tipsy and start getting emotional. And like every year, we make a pact to grow old like this. I challenged it then by saying, 'Oh? You guys, such romantics. We won't. I'd change. You'll change. We'll drift apart. It'll break my heart but life happens. But this right now? This is our truth. We love each other to bits. And your future Daj will look back on this with a happy heart. That I can promise.' To which you would all roll your eyes saying, 'Shut up. Stop being so rational for one second and join the pact!'

As much as I try to deny it, I still remember the pact. I'll leave you with this. It always reminds me of good, old days.

Just so you know, I miss us. I seldom say it, but I do. 

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Unlove Me Not

A month ago, I discovered I Wrote This For You. Beautiful weaving of words, so poetic and poignant. You find a collection of random love letters written for no one in particular. I find the style of writing unassuming. I love how the author plays with words so simple and straightforward. Most will find it unnecessary to open a thesaurus. And yet, even so, the writings are teeming with emotion.

Here's an excerpt of one post:

"...hate is anger over something lost, hate is passion, hate is misguided, it's caring for the wrong things but it is still caring. But unlove, unlove is to unkiss, to unremember, to unhold, to undream, to undo everything that ever was and leave smooth stone behind in its wake. No fire. No fury. Just nothing. And that is worse than hate."

photo source

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You Make Me

Typing notes on my phone is a habit. I put down in writing how I feel at the height of it. It means more when emotions are raw and you just write feverishly. 

When you just write, caring less for coherence. When you write to just unload. When you write to an audience composing you and you alone. When you write, hopeful of a future when you won't find it painful anymore.

 And I found these on my old phone while I was browsing through old notes and unpublished drafts of this blog. These were written way way back in college, even earlier. Now that I can look back devoid of anything but amusement, I can finally post it.  More to come? Maybe. 

"I will never see you again. Not in ways I used to. When I see you, things would have changed. You and I. And a million other things.

But that's okay. Neither you and I can control it. It just happens." 

But what triggered this sudden inclination to publish what I would've dreaded to be known to the world years back? I had this dinner with a friend last Friday and we had this nostalgic trip down memory lane. She inspired this. She made me want to actually have them all read. 

By the way, I also had a very interesting week. One boring day at the office, I did something spontaneous. That spontaneity makes me smile silly just thinking of it. I'm smiling still at how random and surreal this all is. What are the chances that you find someone so similar and so engaging? Strange. The kind of strange that feels good, that thrills. 

So, how was your week?

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The Baby and the Siberian

I came by this picture in Facebook and I cannot help but melt with its cuteness! Look how adorable both of them are..

Dogs are loyal best friends. I fancied having one way, way back but my Mom has this trauma with dogs. Now that I have my own job I'm thinking of adopting my own, a Siberian Husky or Golden Retriever. I love them big. When I can already to have one, I'm definitely buying one. 

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Farewells in August

I bade farewell to two of my closest friends. One already left for South Korea a week ago and the other, my best friend Kara is leaving for France this week. Although it's true we don't get to see them often while they were here but it is entirely different when one actually leaves the country. For starters, you just cannot text one for an (impromptu) invite to a movie, dinner, etc.

They won't feel too far away not with Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk and Whatsapp around. They are just one IM and tweet away! I love you technology. 

See you Joh in two years and you Kara, this Christmas!

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You and I, Some Irrational Love

"Don't you worry there my honey, we might not have any money

But we got our love to pay the bills"

I was watching My Girlfriend's Boyfriend when I rediscovered this song again. The song played while Jessie got married to Ethan, a writer she met at a cafe. She chose him over Troy, who co-owns a lucrative advertising company. Ethan takes her to parks while Troy takes her to fancy restaurants and exclusive romantic getaways. She was confused who to choose. Ethan is safe and fuzzy, the type you can easily cuddle to on a rainy afternoon while he reads you a book in a peaceful drone almost lulling you to sleep. Troy on the other hand is attractive, confident and driven but who feels like a continuation to nothing. He's right at the moment. He's seductive. You're drawn to him but you know at the back of your mind, this intense attraction will fizzle out to dying embers. He does not feel permanent, as of the moment. You are then tempted to risk it, to find if this could somehow last. Either Troy or Ethan? But like any other movie, heroine ends up with the safe guy, Ethan. But there is this twist at the end of the movie, that will surprise you though. Didn't see it coming too. So go check it out. 

But really, if hypothetically you were Jessie, who would you have chosen? I would've chosen Troy. I always take things rationally, weigh my options over and over again. I'm a confessed cynic and for once I'd love to try how it is to love feverishly and irrationally. Yes,  I might end up having my heart broken but it will surely be one for the books. At the very least, I have a story to tell to some random stranger at the bar or cafe.

To love because you just do. To love not because he or she has something for you or you to him or her. To love just because.. In this practical, materialistic world? I hardly hear someone do it anymore. 

So anyway, I gotta run. Meeting my best friend later for coffee before she leaves for Paris. I just bid farewell to one of my good friends a week ago, now, again for another. Ciao. 

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